19/10/2013 | by Arthur Derrien
Words by MF David Deery, illustrations by Holly Monger.
I swear, every time I see Chris Cole take a sip of that energy drink when the cameras flash his way, I laugh my ass off. I mean, it’s not bad enough that I’m watching Street League on a sunny day, but COME ON, who in their right mind takes a swig of energy drink right before they frontside 180 fakie crooks a fuckin’ ten stair hubba?
What next? is McDonalds gonna sponsor someone and pay them an extra thirty grand to show up in the finals dressed like Ronald McDonald?
You know what? That’s not such a bad idea. I mean, imagine the insane joy of seeing that clown-ass mother fucker rack it on a ten stair handrail, when he tries to impress the ladies with a tail slide, to foot slip, and SAAAAAAAAAAACK!
Oh my God, watching Ronald McDonald sack on a ten stair handrail?
Yes, that does remind me. We should get some credit card sponsorship going any minute now. Seems reasonable. Would be easy enough to slip a subliminal shot of the old AMEX snapping in the middle of a skate clip, when big time pro needs to buy a first class ticket to a small Asian village, to get that photo, of him blunt sliding the one ledge in the village down eight stairs. The one conveniently located right next to the tree that two-toed sloth hangs out in.
One first class ticket to Bumfuck, Thailand? 2,000 Euros.
Boat trip for hours through the jungle with a tour guide and dinner of fish guts?
Seeing Pro skater slam on his face over and over with a sloth in the background because he’s been on planes, trains, and paddle boats for the last 39 hours?
Man I should be a commercial agent!
I mean, come on Samsung! You made that commercial with Jay-Z that you disguised as an album, why not some skateboarding? We could make a video of Nyjah Huston back lipsliding every handrail in the Berrics, and meanwhile, the whole time he’s doing it, he’s using all the rad features of the Samsung Galaxy, like calling me to discuss the potential sponsorship deal I’m working with Halliburton or the US Army!
I’M A NATURAL! Why stop with commercials? What about feature films? Why isn’t there a Gleaming The Cube 2 yet for Christ’s sake?
This time around, instead of Tony Hawk, we’ll use Riley, and the story will be about how Riley finds out that his adopted brother’s death isn’t suicide, it’s MURDER, and he was murdered by a gang of golfers who were mad at the skateboard world for taking their slot on ESPN 3, and then Riley, and his gang (obviously the Baker squad) track down the killers, skating everywhere they go, and also using AMEX credit cards, and Samsung phones, and it all kicks off in the parking lot of the McDonalds, when Riley and his crew rumble it up with the golfers, skaters swinging boards, golfers swinging Nike nine irons; the bloods flying and skulls are getting cracked, and at the very end of it all, as the Baker crew stands victorious, with golfers blood all over themselves, the camera will pan to a few guys just sitting on the side, watching, and one will be a very special cameo, from Chris Cole, and he’ll look right into the camera, take a sip of energy erink, and say,
“MAN, They should have never fucked with them skater boys….” AAAAAAAND, CUT!